I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.