Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?