Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
You Might Also Like
sigh
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.