if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud