purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb