Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words