The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
SPLOOT
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
These dogs look like they have good credit.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.