Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.