Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?