You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?