[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
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Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?