[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭