*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”