People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
They also CAN sing✌️
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.