Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk