My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Best spoiler warning ever
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???