Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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ME:
GF:
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GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”