The sun is 100% solar-powered.
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make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
me
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Bond. Trauma bond.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.