[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
You Might Also Like
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.