What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
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I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Mission: Impossible
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
grotesque if literal: baby food
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos