[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments