100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier