Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?