It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
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I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?