This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Personal question. #JustSaying
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november