If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Happy weekend !
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.