Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
mathematically impossible
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)