I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?