How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.