You better watch out
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I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.