Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?