I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Möther may I have a snäck
God has abandoned us.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.