A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
But wait…
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.