Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
We need to put an American base on the sun
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!