I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.