I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Yeah. This was me today.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.