I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
And bowling should be called pinball
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?