Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”