*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.