I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My birthstone is kidney
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
WHY would you be happy about this?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.