I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
*cough*
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.