The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
How to properly lift a body
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol