It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
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Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.