It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*