I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
my professor scared me for a second
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.