I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds