Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.