Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*