villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Every photo I’m tagged in
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.