Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
A Short Story.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard